It seems like a lifetime ago that a group of wide-eyed and naive newbros stared at their screens in shock as they found their frigate mining fleet hotdropped by the biggest and baddest sociopaths in Eve online. This rag-tag bunch of terrible, cartographically-challenged nerds from a terrible 4chan content recycler responded by immediately reshipping, having no idea that a titan couldn't be killed by 40 Rifters and a Badger Mk II.
Like a fat, middle-aged balding man wistfully recalling his youthful sexual indiscretions Goons were reminded of a simpler, shobonnier time. They saw in us the lack of fuck-giving and unity that comes from our superior internet culture that were the hallmarks of their own youth, and they opened their crusty and atrophied hearts to us. They showered us in Rifters, they shared with us the couch a lecherous Frenchman had given them to sleep on. As we got bigger they graduated from the couch to a two bedroom house, and lovingly gave us the TESTagram loft above the garage, where we experimented with drugs and explored its many statuses. Still we grew, and when GSF saw us begin to go stir-crazy in our safe pocket of Deklein without any danger greater than Maverick One to decimate legions of terrible ratting Drakes, they looked to BoB-controlled Fountain.
Many of us fought hard in that campaign, and often has the tale of the 6VDT hellcamp been retold in our ranks, but the burden of the sov grind was borne on the backs of Goon capitals and the rapecages manned by Goon subcaps. Powered by caffeine, cocaine and the affectionate yelps of DBRB's dog, Goonswarm FCs shoved and herded complaining neckbeards for 12-hour stretches so that we could have the region we now call home. Though sometimes we tell ourselves otherwise, the story of TEST didn’t truly start on Reddit. The story of TEST began long before Fletcher Hammond made that fateful post. Our history is inextricably intertwined with that of the Goons who nurtured and groomed us into who we are today. This is a bond so strong to deny it would be to deny our history.
But still we grow. We’ve progressed from cute rifterbros to F1-pressing fleet-fillers to a big grown-up alliance capable of effective deployments all on our own, but still the threats of stagnation and malaise hang over our heads. For all our victories we’ve never faced the threat of extinction. We have a homeland we didn’t ourselves pay the Iron Price for. Our caring and well-meaning mother has, blinded by love, spoiled us by giving us everything we ever needed anytime we asked and often when we hadn’t. We’ve been sheltered and protected throughout our childhood and adolescence, and now it’s time to move out of our family home and make our own way in this big, scary world. We will take off our training wheels in the sure knowledge that bumped heads and grazed knees today will make us stronger tomorrow.
We will take Period Basis. We will secure our legacy. We'll start our own foreverwar with the mouthbreathing peasants of the South and the cockroaches of -A-. We'll start our own family with our Honey Badger bros, and though this means we might spend more time with our waifu PL and adorable little children 99 and Tasha (now known as Tribal Band) we will not forget the lessons and support given to us by our GSF brethren. Though she might fret from afar and worry herself sick about our future, Mother Goon understands that this is something we need to do.
We rise or fall on our own merits and not that of our Goon allies. We will not allow ourselves the luxury of the Horn of Goondor, knowing as we do that to be reliant on it is to cheat ourselves of showing everybody that we are more than just the CFC's western anchor. This is the dawn of a new era of TEST history, a line in the sand where we can truthfully say our achievements from here on are all our own. This will not be easy. Even now –A-, spurned from getting hazed in Delve and watching half of their coalition fall to pieces around their ineffectual leadership, are gearing up to try and recover some of the dignity they lost in 319.
This is where we move forward and establish ourselves as a powerful force in Eve Online, a bad video game about nerds in space.